Friday, November 21, 2014

7QT: Parental Survival

Welcome!  Looking for ways to survive parenthood (and I don't mean the finale of Parenthood on NBC, which I'm not sure how I'll survive)?  You've come to the right place.

Let's get right to the goods, shall we?

7 Quick Takes on Surviving Parenthood

1. Always hide the homemade crap original artwork that you throw away!  I can't tell you how many times I've tossed something in the trash only to have the artist recover it.  They bring it over to me, eyes full of betrayal, paper covered in coffee grounds, and ask, "Why is this in the trash, mommy?!"  They bat their little eyes and I can only stammer in response, "I-I-I don't know!  I guess Daddy must have accidentally gotten it mixed up with the junk mail!  Come here, we'll just wipe this ketchup off and it will be good as new..."

So now I hide it.  Bury the soap carvings of sleeping bags (what even is that?), foil sculptures, paper crowns, and drawings of "T-rex Man" deep into the garbage.  Sometimes I put them in another bag, and then into the trash so they can perish undetected.  Go ahead, say it.  I'm heartless.  And then if they ask about it, I tell them it's "in storage."  Pretty soon they'll be calling me "Mother" and researching nursing homes.  When I'm gone and they tell everyone I'm "in storage" don't believe them!

2. Don't show your hand.  I don't really know if this is a good use of that expression, because I don't know how to play poker.  But I'm gonna go with it.  If I have something exciting lined up for the day, let's say, a play date with a good friend, it is best practice not to share this information with your child until it is actually happening.  The doorbell is ringing, you are in their driveway or the parking lot to Chuck-E-Cheese.  Have you ever met a four year old who is totally pumped for a big day?  Have you ever met one just after you tell them it was all a lie?  Seriously.  I don't want to deal with the aftermath of shattered dreams.

3. Popcorn or cereal night is a real thing.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Unless you are having popcorn or cereal for dinner every night, consider yourself well within your rights to invoke this as a survival mechanism.

4. Get rid of stuff.  Go through your kids' rooms or playroom or what have you and feel free to get rid of as much stuff as possible.  Sometimes you can engage your children in this process, you know, so they can learn something.  Other times things just "disappear" on their own and no one is ever the wiser.  A good way to do this is to move.  Then in 18 months when your child realizes that his penguin Happy Napper (not to be confused with his penguin Pillow Pet) is gone, you can just say it's packed in a box somewhere.  They don't have to know that "box" is a store called "Goodwill."  To quote the previous euphamism, "It's in store-age."  (See what I did there?)

5. Go outside.  Is this Fwinter (as Andrew calls it) stressing you out already?  Me too.  Is it only 2 degrees out with a windchill of negative-what-the-heck-it's-only-November?  Make the kids go outside and run laps around the house.  Not kidding.  This actually happens.

*Sidenote: I realized upon seeing it in print, that Fwinter needs further explanation.  It is not, as you might think, "eff-winter," although it seems fitting.  It is a combination of "fall" and "winter."  Fwinter.  He's 8.  I'm not that bad of a parent.

6. Teach them useful skills.  Lately, my big kids have been wanting to learn to cook things.  So we've been teaching them some stuff.  Andrew cooked eggs for his siblings for breakfast the other weekend...and it was glorious!  And one afternoon I let them make beer bread on their own.  Other things they can cook: bacon, waffles in the toaster, pancakes.  Other skills they are learning: woodworking.  Basically we are training them up to be miniature Ron Swansons. 
 

Even Luke has to pull his weight around here.



7.  I can't think of anymore...so I'm taking the easy way out by reminding you about the Daydreams Foundation.  I am a new board member of this organization which seeks to provide funding and eliminate barriers for low income youth to participate in extracurricular activities.  If you are in the Columbia area and like to have a good time (that sounds like I read it off of a gas station bathroom stall door, but never mind that, I'm leaving it), register for our Trivia Night on December 4th!  If you are in Far Far Away then you can contribute online by clicking the "Donate Now" button.  Please consider giving to a great cause! 

Go see Kelly for more 7 Quick Takes!



4 comments:

  1. All so very true! And I wouldn't mind if you wanted to teach some of those useful skills to my kids. I'm pretty confident someday my kids will master cooking and then they will politely ask me not to do it anymore. I will happily oblige.

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  2. oh my gosh I'm laughing so hard at the artwork garbage. My parents just moved and they gave me a GIGANTIC box of my old artwork and I'm all like "I don't want this."

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  3. I picked your link randomly at Kelly's, and ... jackpot ! Thank you for making me laugh out loud just enough times for this to be my new favorite blog but not enough to wake up the baby (because I'm abusing survival rule #8, don't read funny things while holding a sleeping child!)

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  4. Oh my goodness! Thanks for your great comments, everyone! They totally made my day!

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