Monday, October 20, 2014

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Intelligent women of the world, I have failed us.

It all started with a case of head lice.  Yes, you read that correctly, head lice.  We managed five, glorious, lice-free years with kids in public school before the head bug apocalypse hit us yesterday.  Emma was hollering about wanting me to lice-shampoo her hair and not Dad--she makes it a high priority to maintain her "worst patient" status any time she is sick or ailing in any way.

And then it happened.  Andrew loudly whispered, "Well, what if Mom messes up?"  My ears pricked up.  "What?!  Why would I mess up and Dad wouldn't?!"  And then began the downward spiral in which I discovered that my kids think I am basically a warm body who occasionally brings them pizza.

"Well, Dad's smart."
"And I'm not?!"
"No."
"How is Dad smarter than me?  In what ways?"

He went through the list of things Dad can do which basically included fixing stuff.  And I pushed, "What are ways that I am smart?"

"Hmm...let's see...you're smart at laundry, doing dishes, making babies, driving, cooking."

And then I died.  Apparently my children think the only thing I am good at is reading Harold and the Purple Crayon and writing my name backwards with purple crayon.  I cannot even manage the task of combing tiny bugs out of someone's hair.  EVEN MONKEYS CAN DO THAT!!!!!  And he said I am smart at cooking, which is a total lie because he doesn't even like anything I make!  I wanted to holler about my two college degrees and my ACT score, but let's be honest, that'll probably make him think I'm even dumber because I had to go to college twice!  And who even cares about your ACT score after you graduate high school?!  NO ONE!  You know who cares even less?!  An 8 year old boy who doesn't even know what that is.  I wanted to protest that I know big words like "inveigle" and "obfuscate" (Does it matter that I learned them from an episode of the X-Files?  I think not.)

So we talked about how there are lots of different kinds of smart, and how Dad is mechanically smart and good with technology and math.  And we talked about how I am good with words and writing, music, and people-smart.  I think I was so stunned and flabbergasted that I couldn't formulate a proper rebuttal.  And I'm not sure that I know how even now.  Since becoming a stay at home mom, what do I have to show for myself...to prove it to them?  How can I explain to them that even though I choose to make mothering my full time job, I really do have the brains to accompany the baking?  Maybe I need to spend my free time (wait, what?) doing the NY Times crossword and beating them in chess.

Maybe I should rethink my Halloween costume to something more along these lines:
    
                                  

Or, perhaps I will have to hire a trained monkey to homeschool them since I am obviously unqualified.  It'll be okay though, because then the monkey can take care of the lice, too.  


4 comments:

  1. Knife in the heart! I'm laughing and crying. Inside. :/

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  2. OH Dear, that is unfortunate. No idea. Maybe you should hang your diplomas on the wall like they do at the dentist office.

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  3. When Jacy is pretending to vacuum and nurse a baby doll at the same time, I sometimes yell out "Mommy went to college!" or "Mama went to work like daddy before you were born!"... ugggggg

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