This week we got a sump pump installed. Rain, do your worst! I can't wait to see how our basement fares in wet weather...I'm looking forward to a carefree spring--one where I won't be tied to my shop vac! In order for the sump pump to be installed, however, we had to clear out our utility room. That was feat in and of itself. We have only lived here for a year and some change, but our utility room is where everything goes. Toys that are out of "rotation," seasonal decorations, laundry, extra coats, items for donation, trash, empty laundry detergent bottles, old chairs that I keep meaning to fix, maybe some kids that I don't know about...
It is also Advent, which is the liturgical season that I most look forward to. It always arrives with the hope of renewal and spiritual refreshment. Even amidst the craziness of the secular season, I still cling to the idea of waiting and preparing our hearts. But I must admit, I haven't really been "feeling it" lately. It just sort of seems like I'm on one never-ending train of crazy and this train isn't making any stops. I think that feeling is inevitable with kids, especially when you have a nursing baby. There really isn't any time to get away. The longest I've been away is a mere few hours and usually that ends with me coming home to a screaming little person. And even at night, he still wakes about every 45 minutes until I just put him in bed with me. My own faith life hasn't felt refreshing. Not in Advent or otherwise. It is the same. I keep on, plugging away at life as a mom and wife. Some moments are beautiful and wonderful and some are awful and many are just mundane.
I had a meeting the other night at church and I was there (by myself!) early so I stole a few moments in the chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament. As per usual when I am in the chapel, I just kind of sit there and wait. I generally begin with a prayer like "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening" and then just kind of wait for God to say something. If I am patient and really trying to listen, usually I can "hear" him speak to me. And this time his word to me was "repentance." He kind of hit me over the head with it a few times, until I actually said out loud, "Ok, ok, I get it."
With that in the back of my mind, today I was reading an online reflection and I started thinking about the often-used Advent phrase, "make space in your heart for the coming of Christ." I have heard that a ba-million times. "In the wilderness, prepare the way of the Lord! Make straight in the wasteland a highway for our God!" We hear those words from Isaiah read to us in the Sunday readings. We sing songs about preparing the way. So then I sat for a moment and asked myself, what does it even mean to make space in my heart for Jesus? What does it even mean to prepare the way?
And again, God said, "Hey you! Dummy! Pay attention--REPENTANCE."
My heart is like our utility room. It is the place where everything goes. Every joy and sadness. Every misunderstanding and inconsideration. Every un-confessed sin. It's all just hanging out in there together, waiting for somebody to do something about it. To sift through and sort out the good from the bad. And it seems that without that beautiful sacrament of Reconciliation, it is harder for me to make space in there for the One who wants to come in. I think I forget to make it a priority when there isn't some huge sin hanging over my head. But the little things pile up too...like junk on a shelf. I might have forgotten about it for now, but it's still taking up space. And just like with our utility room, we have to spend time cleaning it out in order for the Worker to get in and work in our lives. We can't just expect him to muscle his way through all the crap that we leave in the way.
I spend an awful lot of time praying, "Come Lord Jesus." But it seems that before the arrival comes the preparation. Lord, help us to prepare.
Prepare the way of the Lord,
make straight his paths.
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